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All · I · know · is · that · I · know · nothing
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I'm switching journals. Why? Because I am. Add me. www.livejournal.com/users/korinthia Much love. |
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I hate to get all emo, but at some points, it’s inevitable. I don’t know how to format this or how to smoothly transition into it… so I’ll just jump right in. My Father never calls me. He makes absolutely no attempt to keep up a relationship with me. For the last 4 years I’ve learned to accept this. However, less than a week before every major holiday he gives me a call and casually says (with a bit of demand) that I’m due to visit. I say that he says this casually because it’s as if we’ve been talking all the time and that a visitation was an automatic thing. But we haven’t been. We only talk if I call. Sometimes I call and leave a message and he doesn’t call me back. This relationship is a dead end one and it’s mentally exhausting. He hardly puts in the amount of effort I do and frankly I’m tired of it. A relationship, of any sort, has to be a 50-50 thing. Maybe 60-40. But this a… 95-5 one and, I kid you not, sometimes a 100-0 one. I hope it’s not unreasonable for me to say that I don’t want to keep up something that is going nowhere. I sound unreasonable when I say it. “He’s your father.” Yeah, yeah. I get it. But you don’t choose your family. While I’m still bitter about my life being thrown around by the divorce situation, my Step Dad has been 10 times more paternal. And he understands more than my father ever could. My Dad just doesn’t make the effort. So, why should I then when he chooses to acknowledge me? He expects me to drop my life for him and he dismisses everything I say as the verbalization of the brainwashing my mother has done to me. Brainwashing. My Brother is just as paranoid. He even referred to my mother as “Big Brother.” What in the… hell? This, by the way, does wonders for my self-esteem. I just wish that one day someone would believe that I can possibly think and decide for myself. But I can only expect so much from that side of the family. No one seems to be that mentally stable. I just don’t see the point in abiding by my father’s demands when he does nothing in the meantime. I’m sorry, but we either have a relationship or we don’t. I’ve played this game for the past 4 years and it’s just not working for me anymore. I want some stability and I’m never going to find it with him. If anything, he’ll make my goal of stability even harder to reach. Oh, and fuck Dr. Laura.
Current Mood: |
 listless | |
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[A is for age:] 16 [B is for booze of choice:] Irish Cream [C is for career:] Archaeologist [D is for dad's name:] Stephen. [E is for essential items to bring to a party:] Jamie, apparently. [F is for favorite song at the moment:] The Hand that Feeds, ghostbuster version! So awesome. [G is for favorite game:] Ouija is... nice. [H is for hometown:] Lake Elizabeth [I is for instruments you play:] Middle Eastern drum. [J is for jam or jelly you like:] Cherry. [K is for kids:] None that I know of. [L is for living arrangements:] At home with my Mum and Step Dad. [M is for mom's name:] Kelli. [N is for name of your best friend:] Ryan. [O is for overnight hospital stays:] .5 ish. [P is for phobias:] Velociraptors! [Q is for quotes you like:] Didn't know Jamie was so biblical. Uhm. I have countless ones... "Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society." [R is for relationship that lasted the longest:] Haha. Jackson! 7th grade bitches. Oh man, I'm pitiful. But it did last long because we chose not to acknowledge each other. [S is for sexual preference]: I likes me the men. [T is for time you wake up:] 7. [U is for underwear:] I'd say they're blue. Maybe more of a periwinkle. [V is for vegetable you love:] Cucumber. [W is for worst habit:] Fearing velociraptors. [X is for x-rays you've had:] Well, minus dentistry ones... 5-7. [Y is for yummy food you make:] Everything I make is yummy. Why? Because I'm just *that* good. Want something made for you... ask, and you shall receive. [Z is for zodiac sign:] Couldn't think of anything else that started with a Z? How about favorite Zebra? I'd say third one from the right in Lion King. Yeah, that's right. Oh, uh, Scorpio. Which apparently Amanda taught me about the other day... I control the genitals and something random like the knees. I have obsessive tendencies, especially with drugs and sex. Who knew? So due to my drug addiction and being the crazy sex fiend I am... I would like to send a big thank you to the heavens. |
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I feel like this must be said. Last night... I made my parents martinis and cosmos. I'd make a killer bartender. Also, it actually wasn't a martini. It was a tequini. Which I will never understand. Alcohol like tequila... never will I understand. You would have to be in this kind of mood to like/want tequila, "I feel like getting so shitfaced that all my decisions will be made by other people. Oh, and I want the alcohol to taste like vomit. If it's possible. Oh, what's that? You have tequila? Perfect." |
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How does one even begin to describe this weekend without going into convulsions? I was going to, for the sake of everyone on my friends list (all but about four of you), explain where I was this past week. Then I thought no. Why? Because that would take too long and I would come off sounding like a drunken idiot who has been to one too many Renaissance Faires (yeah, that’s right, I spelled it with an e). So instead of explaining any details, I will go into many-a-ambiguous-rants that, once again, about four of you will understand. I would just like to proclaim that I have a name (nice rhyming scheme). It is Mackenzie. I am an individual. My age matters not. For those of you who wish to dub me “Tick Tock” I’d like to issue a very grand “Fuck you.” For one, even if I were 18 your chances would still be the same. There is not some magical transformation between November 16 and November 17. And even if there were some magical transformation, it would not be in your favour. Now back to the individual thing. While I adore, respect, honour, and love my mother… I am not her. Although we may look and perhaps even act alike, I am a separate person. I would appreciate it if everything one may respect about me not all be accredited towards her or any other person who had a role in raising me. Of course, a great deal of my personality and character are due to her and others. However, there has been a certain amount of time in which my very own mind contributed towards the person that I am. I would like to remind everyone that I have not always lived with my mother, father, or Jedon. Meaning that at points, I was fairly self-reliant, this, once again, leads me to who I am today. This is not a rant against any parental unit because I hold them all in the highest esteem. It’s more of me asking people to realize that I ultimately should have the credit for my abilities, character, and personality. Now back once again to those who dub me “Tick Tock.” Regardless of age, I would not have sex with you anyway. So just because you find out I’m a certain age, don’t stop talking to me. Talking with me does not make you a pedophile or a participant in statutory rape. So just… come off it. I am not a piece of meat. This leads me to something else. In the “real world” I’m seen as nothing, but somehow in the SCA I seem beautiful to horny, drunken, idiots. Ah, the wonders that does. Now back to what I was talking about. Men are idiots. Anything with a penis + a drink in hand = (expletive deleted). Well, some men demonstrated otherwise. However, I swear I would be a lesbian if it weren’t for that whole not liking women and loving men thing. Can someone honestly tell me why men are like this? Where is the respect? The nicest thing I received this weekend was from Sir William Kyle, who showed me more respect than I ever knew existed and most likely did not deserve. Then again, I am a sucker for people with vocabularies. He said that he was “smitten” with me. How unbelievably charming is that? If a guy said that to me mundanely, fully meaning it, I’d most likely throw myself at him. Everyway this man presented himself towards me was simply amazing. Now… if only people within my age range were like him. But no…drunken idiots who think setting their watch to go off on my 18th birthday is hilarious. Notice the abundance of “drunken idiots” in this. I find it weird that in Chino I have some amazing, wonderful memories and some of the worst ones too. Ah, life. Rather than make this past week seem negative I will list a few good things.
-Friday night. Originally, I went on a walkabout with Hagar (I’m spelling that incorrectly) and then I thought… no. So off to the Spartan encampment. Why are Spartans just so damn cool? And best quote of the night from Hagar: “I’m getting fresh for your benefit.” He saved me from a plethora of ominous men.
-Saturday…day. Water bearing. Who knew that men would propose just for giving them water?
-Saturday early evening was okay. I got an amazing compliment from Uther, which made my day. But the rest of Saturday was downhill. Probably one of the worst nights of my life and I kid you not. There was about an hour that was tolerable and I don’t know what I would have done without that hour.
-Sunday was…uh… shitty. I lived out a Delphian foreshadow of Uther’s.
-Sunday night was much better. Buffy gained a lot of respect for me (which means more than the world to me). She said that I was a hero and gave me the most gorgeous moonstone necklace saying that it was the stone of the goddess and that I deserved nothing less. Was able to catch up with Max and Jake… while they chased off skunks with Flogging Molly and we reminisced about MST3K.
-Monday was just leaving, but I was hit in the face with a 2 x 4 due to wind. So… there’s that. I’m no longer making sense. I never was in the first place. This rant is like my mind. It doesn’t flow, it doesn’t make sense, and it should never be verbalized. My apologies. I give up now… I’ll try to post a picture or two from this weekend later. I’m going to go write my college admission essays and then drown myself in a bucket. Adieu. |
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*Jedon (my Step Dad) starts playing ABBA: Dancing Queen*
Mom: Jedon, don't make me throw a brick at your head. |
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Because Jamie did this for me... and I cannot deny number 8. Reply with your name and I'll...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. PS...Drama. Agh. I feel like if I died tomorrow half the people wouldn't even take the time to notice and it wouldn't make a single difference in their life. I'm literally invisible to them and only visible when they require something from me. Just doesn't feel great feeling unimportant to everyone around you. I miss my old drama department, SO MUCH. I worked so hard there. And it seems like here... I don't have the room to work. I DON'T know. |
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The last few weeks of Mackenzie's life summed up in bullet format. -I dropped Holden's, grabbed an open first, and switched to McClean's! Huzzah. Tea on Fridays. Does that not spell M-A-C-K-E-N-Z-I-E to you or what?
-I am in love with Shakespeare. He art thy sex.
-I made cookies for Ryan on Friday for his birthday which is this Sunday. Happy Birthday to Ryan. May year 17 bring you joy, love, and prosperity.
-I did my monologues and song for ADB. I am so angry at that song because, well, I can't sing. I hate singing in front of people (at least when they have to take me seriously) so it had me all nervous. I HATED my dramatic, but was slightly pleased with comedic. And that's how the cookie crumbles.
-I'm doing pretty well in government so far. Certain people are making me really angry though, and quite frankly hurting me. I know that sounds childish, but they are. I'd like it if more people acknowledged me when they DIDN'T need me. When people expect me to give them all my answers, there's very little holding me back from just yelling, "Fuck you!"
-I did decently on my Macbeth test. I don't know about that in class essay and I'm still writing my other essay. I'm proud of it so far, it has its faults. Nothing editing can't do. But I still need to write a whole other part to it and that might make it too long. Hmm.
-I'm doing well psychology. Except for that whole being unable to understand the indecipherable teacher. Blarney.
-I can't believe after two years and after how much silence between us? you still make me cry. No one else has this control over me, and yet you do. I just don't understand why.
-I got pied in the face many-a-times on Friday and the odor that ensued afterwards was not pleasant.
-Busy week. Auditions. I want AD... but I don't think Rob knows that. No idea how to hint towards him. I don't want him to think that I'm not interested in that and instead cast me as Girl #4 who walks across the stage during "Hard Knock Life." Although, that's better than being nothing. So I'll take what I can get.
I'm tired now and have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow. Emmys! Yay Naveen Andrews and Jon Stewart. A thousand times good night.
Current Mood: |
Lascivious |
Current Music: |
Just the ramblings of my mind | |
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I am a horrible person. That is all. |
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Earlier today I thought that I had something very important to update on. Now it has completely slipped out of my mind and that thought makes me sad. Is it sad that I no longer feel that I have important things to "update on." It has nothing to do with livejournal itself but rather my life. Any journal, written or online. Or is it that I am just too busy that the normal events in which I would attack the keyboard with are completely gone and my mind is just on what's next. Or can I just not express myself like I used to? OR, yes there's more, I just find it silly to completely vent about anything and everything. To post the everyday happenings of my life. I see everyone else posting, every day or every other day and it seems as if their lives have so much more purpose than mine, so it truly means something when they keep an account of it. And that I'm just afraid that my mindless ramblings about the weather or what have you will be so utterly meaningless that it will further degrade my already low-esteemed mind. I find myself wondering about every corner of life. All the things I want and don't have and all the things I have and don't want. There doesn't seem to be a balance and all I ever do is strive to get to the next level. Yet, when I get to the next level I never see the fruits of my labour and I just continue to keep moving along when it seems that I'm remaining stantionary. Love, family, relationships, school, college, money, future, friends... even pets. It's all gone crazy and some of it hasn't gone crazy at all and I want it too. If that makes sense. Some parts of my life are too mundane and it boggles my mind. How can anything not have happened here or there? I question myself on every level and I never have an answer. Sadly, I never even have a concrete story in which to question myself on. It's a blur, one big blur... that never moves. I feel heavy, like I'm going to remain in this position forever. That my own weight is holding me down. I have no idea what I'm talking about and I hope that one day in my life I will at least know what I want in certain aspects, if only. |
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This whole getting up at 5:30 everyday is going to kill me eventually. Yargh. On a good note I'm pretty sure I've found my two monologues, so yea for that. I've gifted myself with a new icon and you may notice. I'm quite proud of it. I saw The 40 Year-Old Virgin today. Hilarious. Many-a-laughs were had. And I said good-bye to Rose. Le sigh. I know you don't leave yet, but it was the last time I'd see you in person. AMDA won't know what hit it and meanwhile we'll be busy singing about "tomorrow" and what a "hard knock life" it is. Don't forget us! Viel lieben meinen Freund. I'm tired and I have to get up uber early tomorrow due to the fact that an entire parking lot will be unavailable tomorrow. I am in no right to complain though. P.S. I need to end up in New York. So if anyone has any connections with the Gods or maybe just admissions officers at Columbia or Skidmore, uh, help a poor lass out. I make great scones, short bread, and cookies... so baked goods will be awaiting your good deeds. Sweet Apollo, you may give Oedipus the fate of killing his father and sleeping with his mother, but will you give me the fate of an awesome New York life? You will? Sweet. Much love to you my man.
Current Mood: |
 hopeful |
Current Music: |
Gangs of New York in the living room | |
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So a few things that have happened in the last few days: -I got my license
-School started
-School f'ed up my schedule
-School f'ed my schedule (and this time, by "f'ed" I mean "fixed.")
-I ate a pint of Dublin Mudslide.
-I think I have mono.
-I have to sing in drama.
...I can't sing. We have to sing America the Beautiful...I wanted to sing Springtime for Hitler.
-I have to get two monologues for drama. I have a huge list, but I can tell you... I'm not really happy with any of the dramatic ones. So if anyone has any really good contemporary dramatic monologues.
-I'm slightly turned on by the lead singer of Rammstein's voice.
-I'm trying to get a job at Indian Oven.
-Government seems really cool but I believe that Dellis has filed all of us under idiot in the filing cabinet in his mind.
-Psychology seems really interesting, but I'm a bit lost because I didn't take reg. psych last year.
-I'm TA'ing for Cartan!!!!!! Eeeee!!!!
-Why? WHY? Annie? I mean, come on. Out of all the musicals. Those songs already annoy me, after this year I will remove my ears.
-$445 to go to Oregon? I think not. I love Shakespeare, but come on.
-I only have one class with Ryan and he doesn't have the same lunch. Le sigh.
-Lanna and I have practically everything together. It's pretty sweet.
-If Liberty were here, I'd have two classes with her.
-McClean... :(
-This whole getting up at 5:30 am for the rest of the year kind of sucks. Should have grabbed an open first.
-Darren still wants me to bat for the team. He also said he invented a way for me to throw without hurting my arm.
-Some of my old best friends from growing up are in the softball world series tomorrow at 1 pm on ESPN 2. Watch it you should.
-I've gotten many compliments on my "new" hair. Yay.
-I'm so exhausted and slightly sick... I'm gonna go clean, shower, and then relax.
Current Mood: |
 exhausted |
Current Music: |
Rammstein: Amerika | |
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Okay, so I started typing out my amazing 2 weeks of pure orgasmic bliss and before I even finished typing out the first day, I was already at a 1,000 words. So instead, I give you the highlight of all highlights. Corey, Chris, and I all wanted to see Tenacious D play on Saturday at the Con. So we go over to the hall they’re going to play in but there’s this huge ass line outside of it. I get in line while we all discuss the futileness of waiting in line. However, the line starts moving… pretty fast and before we know it, we’re inside the huge auditorium that holds about 7,000 people and it was packed to the brim. We find seats by our friend Jeff but they’re way in the back and we’re 2 hours early. So we decided to just stay inside this room because there was no way we were getting back in. It was still cool. We got to see presentations about various movies. Charlize Theron was there, looking gaunt as ever but still beautiful. Eva Mendez, Jessica Biel, and Jamie Fox all made appearances, it was sweet. Then the King Kong presentation started and I remember voicing aloud that if Adrien Brody were there I’d freak. He’s almost Jon Stewart high and if you know anything about me… well, that’s fucking high. Peter Jackson presents (not in person) the trailer and an unfinished scene that was *amazing.* And then the lights come on and Naomi Watts, Jack Black, and Adrien Brody were all on stage. Adrien fucking Brody. They did their presentation and people asked questions. One dick called him James Brody. In which Brody said, “Get your shit right.” And stormed off stage…and then came back laughing. Then they were setting up for Tenacious D and I was supposed to watch it with my friend Joey who worked back stage, so I leave my stuff with my friends and go up towards the front of the stage. But then the fire marshal is freaking out and everyone is freaking out and shouting at everyone else to sit down. So they’re asking for people who have a seat open next to them to raise their hands. A woman in the front has hers up so I take a seat. Kevin Smith introduces Tenacious D and they come out. KG moons everyone (no, Chris, I didn’t see his penis) They start playing and it’s… fucking awesome. I’m close enough to be able to look at the people themselves rather than the huge movie screens. Then my cell rings and it’s Joey and I can’t hear a damn thing because Tenacious D is playing but then I see Joey not far from where I’m sitting right by the stage. So I go over and stand with him. He has food so that’s… nice. Unfortunately, from where we standing I can’t see Jack Black because the cameraman is in the way. So I ask Joey to move over five feet and instead he grabs me and takes me into the press area. So we’re directly next to the stage and Jack Black is sweating profusely, it’s wonderful. And it’s tightly packed back there and Joey nudges me and tells me to look to my left. And the guy leaning against me is Adrien Brody. I’m doing mental back flips. One of my favorite actors… so brilliant… so beautiful… he won an Oscar… next to me… having elbow sex with me…occasionally even foot sex… it could have been anyone else in the world (except Jon Stewart) and I wouldn’t have cared. I don’t get star struck. Seriously, could have been anyone else and I wouldn't have been melting inside. But no, it had to be Adrien Brody. My kryptonite. So at this point Tenacious D is playing Wonderboy and now I can’t listen to it without being brought back to that point of pure bliss. Then if you know Tenacious D, you know the song Fuck Her Gently. And it starts off with “This song… this song is for the ladies.” Joey starts laughing saying that he loves this song and I’m looking at him when he’s doing this and someone taps me on my left elbow and I look over and it’s none but Adrien Brody and he gives me a “How you doin’?” look. Telling me that this song is for the ladies. I just smiled back and kept listening to Tenacious D thinking, “Holy shit, I was just eye fucked by Adrien Brody.” I’m over glorifying that, but you would be too! And it is correct term usage… eye fucked. So after lots of shifting in standing positions with plenty of “accidental” elbow hits and foot stepping on… Tenacious D stopped playing and Brody left. I was so excited to see Tenacious D live but I was so obviously distracted. However, no complaints from me. I’ve definitely over exaggerated this story but I’m totally within my right and am currently still on a high from that. So overall, I can’t listen to Wonderboy, Tribute, or Fuck Her Gently without that wonderful eye quickie from Adrien Brody playing over and over in my head.
Current Mood: |
 nostalgic |
Current Music: |
Tenacious D: Wonderboy | |
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I'm leaving. I'll be back in August. Wish me luck at Comic Con... because... well, just do, please. |
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Current Mood: |
hopeful |
Current Music: |
U2: Beautiful Day | |
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There's something wrong with me. It seems as though each time I'm doing something right I'm actually doing the complete opposite. Emotions. Blargh. I feel one way one moment and then a completely different way the next. Even though every controllable feeling I have is wanting me to feel a certain way... I just can't. Deep down in the pit of my stomach there's this sensation and feeling I can't avoid. It's weird the way you want something so badly and when you finally get it... all desire for it you ever had completely ceases to exist. In this case it was just the potential to finally get it and somehow I've just walked away... Ahhh... vague entries do warm the soul. In other news, I'm heading off to So. Cal next Thursday. Without Ryan :( It won't be half as much fun but I'll manage. At least now I can go to Comic Con... and hopefully hail to the king. Speaking of kings, I'm also going to see the King Tut exhibit in LA the day I leave. That has been my dream ever since 4th grade. *AND* I get to see Robert Plant in concert. Talk about dream ever since 2nd grade. I took an hour break during this entry and found out some very awesome potentialness!!!! I will always feel one way about this and my feeling towards it will never change. HOPE WITH ME. It's AWESOME. Mackenzie worked oh-so-hard all through junior year and passed both her AP Tests (Ye-ah! With a 4 on one of them) She toiled... and toiled some more. She deserves this. Everyone put all your magical powers together and hope with me!!! Please!!! Think good thoughts... think wonderful thoughts. Send all your good energy towards me and you shall be repayed with wonderous karma and maybe even cookies. I beg of you, let this happen.
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 anxious | |
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Me: I need to retake them [SAT's and ACT's]. Both Gabe and Ryan are working on bringing up their scores on the ACT's and Gabe already got a 32. Mum: Why can't you guys do drugs like regular teenagers?
Current Mood: |
anxious |
Current Music: |
Coldplay playing in my head... | |
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Remember this? However, this last week my shoulder has gotten increasingly worse. I think I may have torn a tendon in my shoulder because it's killing me with just regular movement. I totally did it! Woo! Fuck yeah! Well, not really... but I really did tear something and I'm not going to get surgery. Instead, I'm never playing softball again. Ever. I know I've complained about it the last few years but to have this ultimatum on something I've done for almost 13 years of my life is really surreal. In other news... I fear for my cat’s life and I just threw some tennis balls at a raccoon. EDIT: I have also sprayed it with a house.
EDIT II: I just realized that I said I sprayed it with a "house." I clearly meant hose, however, a house would have been a sight to see." |
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"War of the Worlds" is rated PG-13. Much of the earth's population is wiped out, leaving very little time for sex or bad language.
Ahahaha!!!! |
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